Out The Window

This morning I looked out my window and there was thick snow everywhere.

I was hoping for a snow day, but none was called for.

Driving to work, the roads were surprisingly clear. When I had looked out my window I thought for certain that the roads would be horrible based on what I saw.

Based on what I saw.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.

Don't rely on what I know, see or think.

 My understanding is flawed. Always. In all things, flawed.

The Lord spoke to me in my spirit this morning and reminded me that if I look out my window and see something that appears intimidating and hard and would rather stay inside, to trust in Him because outside isn't as bad as I'm imagining it to be. The path was clear, I could see and navigate.

Trust in Him because He knows what I do not. And what I do not know is quite a lot.

Sufficiency

2Cr 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I had to study this because it keeps coming back to me and I don't quite understand what God is saying to me with this. He's said it over and over to me. Once, He even spoke audibly to me that His grace was sufficient and His word was all I need. So, on my way to work this morning, He reminded me again. I had to look up the words in their original meaning to gain an understanding of what this might mean for me. Grace: χάρις 1) grace a) that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness: grace of speech 2) good will, loving-kindness, favour a) of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues 3) what is due to grace a) the spiritual condition of one governed by the power of divine grace b) the token or proof of grace, benefit 1) a gift of grace 2) benefit, bounty 4) thanks, (for benefits, services, favours), recompense, reward   Sufficient: ἀρκέω 1) to be possessed of unfailing strength a) to be strong, to suffice, to be enough 1) to defend, ward off b) to be satisfied, to be contented   And the root that sufficient comes from:   αἴρω 1) to raise up, elevate, lift up a) to raise from the ground, take up: stones b) to raise upwards, elevate, lift up: the hand c) to draw up: a fish 2) to take upon one's self and carry what has been raised up, to bear 3) to bear away what has been raised, carry off a) to move from its place b) to take off or away what is attached to anything c) to remove d) to carry off, carry away with one e) to appropriate what is taken f) to take away from another what is his or what is committed to him, to take by force g) to take and apply to any use h) to take from among the living, either by a natural death, or by violence i) cause to cease   So.   His grace is that which gives me delight, or delights in me and gives joy, is strong to defend, to ward off, to be satisfied and contented and to raise up, to elevate, to draw up to take upon himself and carry me, my burden, to bear away and remove (from the storm, that which vexes me), to carry off (that which I cannot). His grace truly is sufficient to be and do all that I need.   Resting in His grace today, Kelly

Hope Deferred...

Proverbs 13:12

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹² Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

deferredpast participle, past tense of de·fer (Verb)

Verb:

Put off (an action or event) to a later time; postpone. Submit humbly to (a person or a person's wishes or qualities): "he deferred to Tim's superior knowledge".

de·ferred

adjective

1.

postponed or delayed.

2.

suspended or withheld for or until a certain time or event: a deferred payment; deferred taxes.

 

 

Hope deferred: put off. When my hope is put off Jesus and placed on temporal things my heart is sick. Sick with longing for something that this world cannot offer or fulfill. Something that only my Beloved can give me. When I'm looking at gaining my fulfillment in what I do, what someone can do for me, what I think others want from me, my heart is sick. My heart longs for something other-worldly, something eternal and heavenly that I cannot attain or realize here.

 

Hope deferred: postponed. When my hope is postponed from the One who loves me, my heart longs for Him. When I'm seeking to find Him in the places that we've been together without seeking to find where He's gone to, my heart is sick. Sick with longing for Home. Sick with trying to carry the weight of figuring things out. Sick with trying to make it here without His help. 

 

Hope deferred: withheld. When my hope is withheld, by my own misunderstandings of things spoken, things not spoken, things assumed, my heart is sick. When hope is withheld because the time isn't here for the promise then my heart is sick because I must wait and my human mind and heart don't understand His timing or His delay. My heart longs for His return with all that is within me and yet my hope is deferred.

 

BUT a dream fulfilled is a tree of life...

 

There will be a day, it will come quicker than we think, it will come, it is promised, when my hope will be fulfilled. On that day my heart will soar as I get to look upon Him in all His splendor, and until that day, my heart will carry the cry of one who is heartsick for the one whom I love with all my being... 

Fairness Justice and Mercy

Thinking this morning about fairness...

And I've decided I don't want it.

I've fought for all my life to try to get my fair share. I want what is due to me. I want others to not push past me and drive around me when I'm in the lead, I want my share of what's on the table. I want my turn.

And then Holy Spirit speaks to me.

Do I really want my share?

Do I want my share of the pain, the sin, the punishment?

Or do I want Mercy?

I cannot have equality/ fairness/ justice to suit me and have His mercy as well.

In order to have mercy, I must give it.

That means that I need to let the other drive around me, push past me in the hall or line, get the thing that I was wanting, be promoted above me, take more than their share, and I get second, I get less and I get to cheer them on.

Mark 9:35
He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, “Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else.”

Heart stuff...

Today I'm feeling the longing in my heart for more...more of Him. I also feel sadness, for my hearts desires and contentment and confirmation being sought out from others and not from Him. I woke up this morning, with fear. I had a dream last night where the confirmation of my gifting was being sought in someone's approval of me and when they finally said that I should sing because I had a beautiful voice, I could not produce a sound. My heart was not set for worshiping and my voice was empty, hollow.
At work, there is someone questioning my work. Not someone in the district, but from the home where the boys lives. My reaction was to seek confirmation from my classroom teacher and my husband. To justify myself and to try to prove that I can do this...but in truth, I know the only way I will be able to make a difference in his life is through the work of Jesus. And I keep looking for some way to break through to him and that's where the questioning comes in...

So, I'm grieving in my heart for the sins I have in placing another person's opinion of me above the way my Father sees me. I've been seeking for the approval of my husband, group leader/ mentor, teacher/ supervisor, worship leader, pastor, children, peers, everyone except from my God and Father.

I think I'm afraid He won't approve me and will send me to hell. I'm afraid that since I turned away from Him so long ago that He will reject me. I'm afraid that since I've been rejected so many times in life, that I'm not valuable or worthy of His good things.  That I don't deserve to succeed.

Luke 15:21
His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. ’


Deuteronomy 30:6
“The LORD your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!


Hosea 1:7
But I will show love to the people of Judah. I will free them from their enemies—not with weapons and armies or horses and charioteers, but by my power as the LORD their God.”


Proverbs 12:2
The LORD approves of those who are good, but he condemns those who plan wickedness


2 Timothy 2:15
[ An Approved Worker ] Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth.


1 Thessalonians 2:4
For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

Revisiting my Love....

Found this from a blog I deleted a long while back. This is from July 2008.


So, I keep searching for You. ikeep looking in places where I've been, places where we've met. I can't find you there, so I keep searching. You draw me to you with your love, with your eyes. seeing you face to face makes my heart beat in ways Inever knew it could, seeing you makes me watn to give you all i have and more, seeing you makes me forget everything else and run to you...I need you every day, every moment. you consume me with your presence, you consume me with your love, you consume me with a desire for just you. I want to live in your presence and never leave, I want to spend every waking moment thinking about you, talking to you, in your arms wrapped in your comfort. i want to be with you forever and never leave. can you make me remember how this feels for always, can you make me to live with you forever in every day. can you make me to remember how it feels in your presence when i am away from this moment? i feel your love as its everlasting presence is revealed in your touch. i can see no end to what you can do when i am with you. i see what you can do with my life when I am with you. i see who i am when i am with you, i see who you are when i am in your presence. you make me.


I need this hunger again!!!

Dreams and Passions

And living life...

There's a place deep inside me that longs for more than what is here, more than what I can see and touch and taste and feel. A longing that is only satisfied by the Presence of my Creator. And there's something inside me that wants desperately to sing...to sing at the top of my lungs with all that I have within me and sing to Him, sing for Him, sing about Him.

And I saw a dream of being on stage, leading many to worship Him as well.

And then when He asked me to sing for Him, I became afraid. For I know I am not enough, and my faith is small and I doubted His strength to help me. I became afraid for I was afraid of people, afraid of what they think of me, how I look to them.

I've been laughed at, mocked, beat up and left out for most of my life. The thought of standing in front of all kinds of people terrified me.

Then, He began to deal with me.

I almost drowned in the summer of 2009. Faced fear of dying.

Taking me to the fears I've held on to, He is taking me to the place of trusting Him completely, or at least a little more perfectly.

Fear of losing my kids? Let it go.
Fear of losing my mind? Battled that one too.
Fear of letting others see who I really am? Facing that one.
Fear of not having enough? Enough of what??? That place is only satisfied by Him.

Fear of succeeding? I think this one is next...