Today I'm feeling the longing in my heart for more...more of Him. I also feel sadness, for my hearts desires and contentment and confirmation being sought out from others and not from Him. I woke up this morning, with fear. I had a dream last night where the confirmation of my gifting was being sought in someone's approval of me and when they finally said that I should sing because I had a beautiful voice, I could not produce a sound. My heart was not set for worshiping and my voice was empty, hollow.
At work, there is someone questioning my work. Not someone in the district, but from the home where the boys lives. My reaction was to seek confirmation from my classroom teacher and my husband. To justify myself and to try to prove that I can do this...but in truth, I know the only way I will be able to make a difference in his life is through the work of Jesus. And I keep looking for some way to break through to him and that's where the questioning comes in...
So, I'm grieving in my heart for the sins I have in placing another person's opinion of me above the way my Father sees me. I've been seeking for the approval of my husband, group leader/ mentor, teacher/ supervisor, worship leader, pastor, children, peers, everyone except from my God and Father.
I think I'm afraid He won't approve me and will send me to hell. I'm afraid that since I turned away from Him so long ago that He will reject me. I'm afraid that since I've been rejected so many times in life, that I'm not valuable or worthy of His good things. That I don't deserve to succeed.
Luke 15:21
His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. ’
Deuteronomy 30:6
“The LORD your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!
Hosea 1:7
But I will show love to the people of Judah. I will free them from their enemies—not with weapons and armies or horses and charioteers, but by my power as the LORD their God.”
Proverbs 12:2
The LORD approves of those who are good, but he condemns those who plan wickedness
2 Timothy 2:15
[ An Approved Worker ] Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth.
1 Thessalonians 2:4
For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.
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