Fairness Justice and Mercy

Thinking this morning about fairness...

And I've decided I don't want it.

I've fought for all my life to try to get my fair share. I want what is due to me. I want others to not push past me and drive around me when I'm in the lead, I want my share of what's on the table. I want my turn.

And then Holy Spirit speaks to me.

Do I really want my share?

Do I want my share of the pain, the sin, the punishment?

Or do I want Mercy?

I cannot have equality/ fairness/ justice to suit me and have His mercy as well.

In order to have mercy, I must give it.

That means that I need to let the other drive around me, push past me in the hall or line, get the thing that I was wanting, be promoted above me, take more than their share, and I get second, I get less and I get to cheer them on.

Mark 9:35
He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, “Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else.”

Heart stuff...

Today I'm feeling the longing in my heart for more...more of Him. I also feel sadness, for my hearts desires and contentment and confirmation being sought out from others and not from Him. I woke up this morning, with fear. I had a dream last night where the confirmation of my gifting was being sought in someone's approval of me and when they finally said that I should sing because I had a beautiful voice, I could not produce a sound. My heart was not set for worshiping and my voice was empty, hollow.
At work, there is someone questioning my work. Not someone in the district, but from the home where the boys lives. My reaction was to seek confirmation from my classroom teacher and my husband. To justify myself and to try to prove that I can do this...but in truth, I know the only way I will be able to make a difference in his life is through the work of Jesus. And I keep looking for some way to break through to him and that's where the questioning comes in...

So, I'm grieving in my heart for the sins I have in placing another person's opinion of me above the way my Father sees me. I've been seeking for the approval of my husband, group leader/ mentor, teacher/ supervisor, worship leader, pastor, children, peers, everyone except from my God and Father.

I think I'm afraid He won't approve me and will send me to hell. I'm afraid that since I turned away from Him so long ago that He will reject me. I'm afraid that since I've been rejected so many times in life, that I'm not valuable or worthy of His good things.  That I don't deserve to succeed.

Luke 15:21
His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. ’


Deuteronomy 30:6
“The LORD your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!


Hosea 1:7
But I will show love to the people of Judah. I will free them from their enemies—not with weapons and armies or horses and charioteers, but by my power as the LORD their God.”


Proverbs 12:2
The LORD approves of those who are good, but he condemns those who plan wickedness


2 Timothy 2:15
[ An Approved Worker ] Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth.


1 Thessalonians 2:4
For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

Revisiting my Love....

Found this from a blog I deleted a long while back. This is from July 2008.


So, I keep searching for You. ikeep looking in places where I've been, places where we've met. I can't find you there, so I keep searching. You draw me to you with your love, with your eyes. seeing you face to face makes my heart beat in ways Inever knew it could, seeing you makes me watn to give you all i have and more, seeing you makes me forget everything else and run to you...I need you every day, every moment. you consume me with your presence, you consume me with your love, you consume me with a desire for just you. I want to live in your presence and never leave, I want to spend every waking moment thinking about you, talking to you, in your arms wrapped in your comfort. i want to be with you forever and never leave. can you make me remember how this feels for always, can you make me to live with you forever in every day. can you make me to remember how it feels in your presence when i am away from this moment? i feel your love as its everlasting presence is revealed in your touch. i can see no end to what you can do when i am with you. i see what you can do with my life when I am with you. i see who i am when i am with you, i see who you are when i am in your presence. you make me.


I need this hunger again!!!

Dreams and Passions

And living life...

There's a place deep inside me that longs for more than what is here, more than what I can see and touch and taste and feel. A longing that is only satisfied by the Presence of my Creator. And there's something inside me that wants desperately to sing...to sing at the top of my lungs with all that I have within me and sing to Him, sing for Him, sing about Him.

And I saw a dream of being on stage, leading many to worship Him as well.

And then when He asked me to sing for Him, I became afraid. For I know I am not enough, and my faith is small and I doubted His strength to help me. I became afraid for I was afraid of people, afraid of what they think of me, how I look to them.

I've been laughed at, mocked, beat up and left out for most of my life. The thought of standing in front of all kinds of people terrified me.

Then, He began to deal with me.

I almost drowned in the summer of 2009. Faced fear of dying.

Taking me to the fears I've held on to, He is taking me to the place of trusting Him completely, or at least a little more perfectly.

Fear of losing my kids? Let it go.
Fear of losing my mind? Battled that one too.
Fear of letting others see who I really am? Facing that one.
Fear of not having enough? Enough of what??? That place is only satisfied by Him.

Fear of succeeding? I think this one is next...